I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
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IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
Girl, same.
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
multitasking lunch
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.