My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
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No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
My zodiac sign is pistachio
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
Breaking news:
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.