Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
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*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.