My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
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do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
People buying plungers never look happy.
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.