Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
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About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
Worst Native American name ever.
Growing out my freckles.
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
Does beer think about me too?
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.