Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
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In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
satan: not today, microsoft teams
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
Liquor Store Parking
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway