boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
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Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
[the middle of showering] I need a break
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
Brb my Sims are getting married
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?