The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
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the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
That’s no pocket rocket.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”