5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
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WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody