M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
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Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.