Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
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The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”