Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
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Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha