It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
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I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
Hero horse inspires millions
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?