Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
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I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.