It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
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North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
Tell the colonel to bring it
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*
*wakes up and checks bank account*
Me: Well that didn’t work.
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
The only good comments section online is on recipes
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
The first one, obviously
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.