boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
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Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.