Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
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Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?