What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
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Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head