Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
You Might Also Like
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!