I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
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Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
the clam before the storm
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust