Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
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Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby