Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
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Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
british sex workers really pound for pound
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’