Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
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GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
The cashier just checked me out.
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
it’s either covid or clever vampires
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”