The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
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Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)