To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
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Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE