Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
You Might Also Like
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
Meat Cute