[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
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Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.