*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
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[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft