I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
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20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
Holy shit he’s back
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.