*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
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Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.