Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
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The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
[loses house key, starts a new life]
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
I’m going to need a moment here.
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
Lol #dogsoftwitter