Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
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A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.