Morning.
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Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
The human personality is made of five key elements
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds