*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
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5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.