Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
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fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.