5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
You Might Also Like
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
I was just discussing this with my cat
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.