Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
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Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
Hey! This isn’t my car!
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.