My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
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“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
welp
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?