Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
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Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*