Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
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I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.