Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
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Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
me and my fake scenarios
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
I came this close!!!!
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.