1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
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Every work call, he judges.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.