me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
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[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
I bet birds love this building.
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt