Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
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“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me: