Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
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My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
I occasionally drink every single night.
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.