Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
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Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.