dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
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There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
If only
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser