The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
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when revenge coincides with naptime
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”