Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
You Might Also Like
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
Watermelon Boss!
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”