Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
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I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.